3.22.2006

I want my 5 HOURS back, Heidi!!!

Ok, first things first: exploiting my long-held desire to be in a book club (which I've never joined but envy from afar), Heidi Lee made me read The Washingtonienne, this lurid icky book by the putative whore-turned-blogger-turned-"novelist" Jessica Cutler. I read it, hurriedly, and while it only took four hours to do so cover to cover, I want those hours back. The Washingtonienne, in case you haven't heard of it, is the thinly "fictionalized" tale of Miss Cutler's adventures in our nation's capital as a correspondence clerk in a Senator's office and her sideline in sexual escapades for drugs and money. Her rent was paid by a wealthy middle-aged lawyer, in exchange for her willingness to let him f*** her in the ass on a regular basis, while her three-ways with a bike messenger kept her in cocaine. Meanwhile, she supposedly fell in love with a legislative aide in the Senator's office, and was busily keeping a blog of her and her ho friends' sexual and other misadventures, using initials to poorly disguise who was who, doing what to whom and in what positions and on whose desks. Ultimately, her best friend (hah!!) sent her blog link to Wonkette (Ana Marie Cox), who published it, and all of D.C. was caught up in the shitstorm that followed, as people quickly figured out who was who (and who was boning whom, and where they all worked, and what public offices they were each abusing), and our heroine was fired. Amusingly, she was fired for misuse of Federal property, or something, for blogging at work (this is why we all blog at home!!!), rather than her shagging-for-hire gig. But never fear, bloggers (and whores): she got a book deal out of it, so all's well that ends well.

My problem with this whole thing is that this girl, and her friends who also screw for cash and prizes, is a whore. A WHORE. And now she's got a book deal, and television and movies will no doubt follow, and all's well that ends well. Gag me! I must confess that apart from the freaky shit she got into (and documented, appallingly, not only on her own exhibitionist account but to the detriment of all her friends and acquaintances, too) what really bugs me is that she is a well-educated woman fully capable of getting and succeeding at a real job (an idea she apparently considered and rejected 'cause she didn't like the footwear choices of career girls in the District) and instead she had sex for money. Ick. Oh and also? She's a cheater -- cheated on fiance, cheated on boyfriends, cheated on tricks, cheated her employer, cheated her friends, etc etc etc. Y'all know how I feel about cheaters. Feh. Honestly, if the author really is like her protagonist, she's in need of serious therapy and a long hot bath with a good sissal scrubdown.

Second, this nonsense of The Real Housewives of the OC, set in Coto de Caza, just across the freeway from us, which, again, Heidi lured me into watching, with the promise that it would be goooooood!! There went another hour of my life I'll never get back, watching this dyed blonde and that prance around with their rock-hard phony ta-tas and their wandering-eyed husbands and ungrateful bratty children. Apart from Daughter Kara (whose parents Jeana and Matt are flat-out horrifying to me), who seemed to be laughing at the whole thing and acting her ass off, I was pretty much nauseated by this entire show, from Botoxed, Pilatesed Kimberly who's afraid her husband is going to leave her the minute she gets a wrinkle or a droop or ounce of fat to sad Lauri who lost everything in her divorce and had to move "outside the gates" but still works for her friend on the inside. Ugh. Jo needs a therapist and a talking-to; Vicki needs to freakin' GET OVER her ex-husband (especially since she's been remarried for ages), and Ashley, Slade and Shane need a good solid smack across the face, each.

I want my FIVE HOURS back, HEIDI!!!!!

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