You're gonna what now? To whom??

If Tom Cruise doesn't stop gushing soon, he's going to have to buy an all-plastic wardrobe to contain all the goo. But I suspect the gushing's just begun, now that he has gotten engaged to the radiant and adorable Katie Holmes, who, despite her cute perky cuteness, has fairly clearly lost her mind. Even being just a baby at 26 can't explain this to me in any other context than "she's getting to marry her childhood idol and perfect dreamboat" (and please don't think that if I were in her position and George Clooney popped the question, my answer would be anything other than a resounding (albeit somewhat hysterical) "YES YES YES YES") (please note that I say if I were in her position: 26, single, besotted, starved for media attention...). I'm not a subscriber to the "marry your hero" philosophy of life partner -- not that I don't admire and respect Bryan enormously, because you know I do, but I think our relationship would be unbalanced if he were my hero or I his.

I also can't think there's something more than a little creepy about getting engaged to someone you've only known for two months. TWO MONTHS. It takes me longer than that to commit to spending $250 for a purse, people. Also, I'm not even sure you should be shagging someone within two months, these days: are all their test results back? Do you have your private detective's report? Did the credit check show anything worrisome? These things take time! My grandma (may she rest in peace) used to say "Marry in haste, repent at leisure" and I suspect good ol' Tom and Katie, should they marry, will be the living embodiment of this warning. Besides which, am I the only one who's noticed that Tom has gone from Mimi (older than he) to Nicole (5 years younger) to Penelope (10 years younger) to Katie (16 years younger)? It almost seems like he's on some continuum to make sure that whoever's with him is in the submissive, whatever-you-say-Swami sort of position, n'est-ce pas?

AND what the f*** is up with the Scientology angle?!?!?! Pleeeeeeeeeease. Outrageous. You can't tell me her conservative Catholic parents back in Ohio aren't flipping their wigs over this, you just can't -- I don't care what all the publicists in the world squeeze out of them, either. Yeesh. What a mess!

Meanwhile, here's a picture I saw on Yahoo! today, and I was moved to create a false news item, which I hope you'll enjoy:

CLICK (this WAS a picture of Tom kissing Dakota Fanning very enthusiastically, but now Yahoo has replaced it with some soupy pic of TomKat together; just picture Tom with Dakota swept up in his arms, kissing her on the cheek while hugging her head.)

Apparently, if the Katie Holmes thing doesn't work out, reports say 11-year-old actress Dakota Fanning, Tom Cruise's co-star in War of the Worlds, is already reading up on Scientology, to be ready to date Tom beginning on her 18th birthday. Given Ms. Holmes' 5-year engagement to actor Chris Klein, it is surmised that a 7-year engagement to Cruise will give Ms. Fanning time to legally come of age in California, where all the actors live.